Don't Worry, Be Happy

Sometimes these things can be quite hard to write, honesty in most of it's forms is easy for me just not in an emotional way, being honest about how I feel (in a sad way) is ridiculously difficult for me to do. I am an emotional retard.

So I left of saying that I was going through some low confidence and self esteem issues, I feel this has been forced upon me and I can't quite get out of it, I am unable to drink alcohol for a while which is frustrating as I would most definitely feel better in social environments if I could have a drink to loosen up and enjoy myself, I used to be able to go out disco dancing without having a drop of alcohol and still come away having a great night.

Last Saturday I was out at one of my favourite venues, and it was a annual club event which is one of my must attends every year, I felt very uncomfortable and out of place, I felt I was being looked at, talked about and generally became quite nervous within me to rise up above it, I do say to myself it's all in my head and no one was looking at me oddly or talking about me in a shit way, and that is likely, but it stopped me from being the way I wanted. It doesn't help that I had been suffering badly in the sleep department, this is getting better thankfully but its still all very restless and constantly feeling exhausted.

Saturday night was interesting for me, because it was hard to get through the night and I was determined to do exactly that, I just wanted to be me and I don't know whats stopping me. I am cheering up a bit and then one day I am a bit miserable, I am up and down a lot.

I fear that my previous relationship will stop me from reacting in certain ways with any other I may have in the future, I am talking to a really nice guy at the moment, he makes me laugh, he is easy to talk to, attractive, friendly, warm and sweet, I have to remind myself that not everyone will treat me the same and not everyone lies and not everyone cheats, it will be hard to get my head round this as I honestly didn't believe that my ex was like that at all and it has come to be quite a shock, and I know this can't dictate how I treat forthcoming relations, it's just working out how I will override this.

I am scared for the future and how I will turn out and what my character and personality will be like but I hope I can revert it's surely just mind over matter? Maybe, it's bloody hard work though.